Wednesday Night Is Ladies Night

Now that my finals have actually started I can not write entries about an entire SVU series, so this post is dedicated to every ladies favorite New York Sex Crimes detective, Detective Elliot Stabler. Sure he played a fridge humping cook in Wet Hot American or a gay men on death row in Ozwald penitentiary, but now Detective Stabler has come to his full potential as being the hot headed, Jesus loving (look at that fucking tattoo) detective who is always reminded of his daughters when he is investigating perps who rape little girls. But really, who wouldn't lose their minds in the SVU unit? Detective Stabler has one agenda, and that is protecting your sons and daughters from disgusting people. Stabler's persona is perfectly matched with Detective Oliva Benson (ow ow), who has a heart the size of the Pacific Ocean. Benson shows her emotions with tears and hugs, while Stabler shows his emotions with throwing you against the wall. Stabler reminds me of another hero of mine, Chuck Norris. Detective Stabler has been asked to "go home" or "take a sick week" by Captain Cragen because Stabler got so badass he kicked someone's ass or killed someone. Get real Cragen, he's a cop, what else is he suppose to do? Stabler rocks so hard that he even told a police psychiatrist that he fantasized about killing pedophiles. I didn't take this as a problem, but rather extreme devotion to his job. That is like an an accountant getting excited to be audited. So here is to you Detective Stabler, the heartthrob of New York City's Special Vicitims Unit.


P.S.- He was a selfish lover.

Dun Dun

After two rather humerous posts I have decided to talk about something that means very much to me, the Law and Order television series. I have spent numerous hours devoted to this television show, and have had many discussions pertaining to it, but it is time to publish my L&O thoughts to the world.
To begin we will start with my favorite (the best) Law and Order, Classic Law and Order. Just like Saved By the Bell the College Years, most of the Law and Order series spin-offs fail in comparison to the original. The series has seen many different detectives and district attorneys, so I will simply stick to my favorites, or as I like the call them: The Law and Order All Stars. Lets start with the Law All Stars. Lennie Briscoe is to police work as Michael Jordan was to basketball; they are THE best. Here are some of Detective Briscoe's stats: He is a rocovering alcoholic, his daughter was addicted to drugs and was murdered by drug dealers, he was married and divorced numerous times and never trusts women. R.I.P Briscoe. Like Michael Jordan having a great supporting cast, so did Detective Briscoe. It's hard to pick who his best partner was, but if I had to pick, I'd go with Detective Curtis. He brought a minority outlook to the job, but doesn't lay it on as thick as Detective Green does. Detective Curtis also is very emotional. He cares very much for his wife (who has MS and is the reason he took a desk job) and children. He also brought a younger, hip edge to Briscoe that Logan lacked. But Logan did have that great leather coat (collar popped).
Now for why Law and Order Classic is superior to all other Law and Order series, the greatness of the Order part. To begin we must discuss the greatest District Attorney New York City has ever had, Adam Schiff. As confussed as any other ADA seems to get, Adam Schiff had not only an answer, but THE RIGHT ANSWER for them. I also think the first time I ever cried during a television show is when Adam Schiff's wife dies from her stroke. The one thing Adam Schiff loved more than justice was his wife. But lets be honest, the show is what it is today due to Executive Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy. I have never been so moved while watching television as I am when I watch Jack McCoy stand up for justice. Also the sexual tension between McCoy and all of the female ADA's lead to some sexy tv. Jack McCoy also rides a motorcycle, has faced thedisciplinary committee, loves women and scotch, and often times wears a winter hat that resembles that of a garbage mans. I am asking for a framed picture of Jack McCoy for Christmas. I could discuss many of the ADA's that have gone through the show, but they are just a bunch of women, and the only one that matters is ADA Serena Southerlyn because she is the best looking. This is the first installment of many to discuss the greatness of Law and Order...

ring ring ring ring ring

BANANA PHONE!

Rosanne

I recently had a discussion with a friend I'd like to keep anonymous about how the usualy internet pr0n no longer arouses him. The conversation grew awkward quickly and changed to the fact I watched the movie Coyote Ugly (fantastic!) this afternoon. Again the conversation grew awkward when said friend asked "Did you watch the hell out of it?" Granted I knew exactly where this was going, but I needed to hear it from him myself to make sure what exactly he meant and he said "Did you masturbate while watching it?" My only response was "I don't masturbate to Dan Conner, Ryan." He then responded saying that the thought of Rosanne and Dan Conner making love greatly aroused him and a light clicked in my head! There was the way to fix his growing boredom of internet pornogaphy, pictures of Rosanne Barr. I figured a simple google image search of Rosanne would lead to a picture of her with her mouth wide open and being obnoxious, but what I got was much more frightful. I am not positive in the picture is actually Rosanne, but it is quite the look-a-like. I immediately showed it to Mr. Bench. The most concerning part was not that someone took a naked picture of Rosanne, or that someone posted a naked picture of Rosanne on the internet, but rather that after showing Ryan this picture his response was complete silence for minutes. The minutes felt like hours, and I was afraid to interrupt a magical moment, so I sat staring at my screen. Finally Ryan responded with a simple "gross". Like I wasn't able to figure that out on my own? I don't know whether to be happy that I was able to end Ryan's problem, or grossed out that it was with a picture of Rosanne naked. Here's the picture!